I want you to like me. I really do. I guess this all stems from a dream I had a couple of nights ago. I dreamed that you called me and told me that you hated me and that i would never be good enough for Nick. Believe me, I know i will never be good enough for beautiful Nick, but i would like to try. I do try. I love him with all of my heart. My heart isnt perfect. Its a big , sloppy, bandaged, neurotic mess. But my heart has alot of love in it, and it all goes to Nick. I know that you know about the mistakes I have made that really hurt Nick. Please do not base your opinion of me on those mistakes. I cant begin to even try and justify my mistakes. I dont want to try. I am not that person anymore. I hate that person. That girl was so lost. And i guess i was scared of being found becuase i didnt know what that felt like. I will never forgive myself for that. Never ever. I dont expect Nick to either. I understand that. I wish i could carve my mistakes out of my heart but i cant. Please do not judge me based on my stupidness. I want anyone who Nick cares about to like me, and I know Nick cares about you and you care about him. Please just see all the love that I have for him. I care for him with every bit of my heart and soul and body and mind. I owe my life to him , even if he doesnt really know it.I will never ever hurt him again. I make sure he knows that. He knows I love him madly, and I guess I just wanted you to. I am who i am, and i cant change it. Please dont have a dislike for me. I really am nice and i think i have a good heart. Just please dont judge me based on my past, beucase i love Nick madly. I guess that is what all this rambling comes down to. Maybe you have no opinion of me at all, but once my mind fixates on somthing it cant let go. So i have built this up, and im my mind you have a strong hatred for me. I am strangely obbsessed with this non existent conflict. The mind is very powerful.
Shelly Snell
P.S. I am very tired. So if this makes no sense, im sorry. It knows its all jumpy and choppy. It was clear in my mind, but didnt really translate through my fingers. Sorry.
Nick,
I love you sweethreat. I cant even decide if i want to post this beucase bringing it up hurts you. I hate hurting you. I Love you. When we were talking about that other night you said when its on my mind and bothered by it , I could take about it with you becase we need to work on letting ourselves get passed this. Well, it has been bothering me. I hate myself and i have this new huge fear that your friend Matt will hate me to.I am working on forgiving myself. Praying about it. I love you more than you will ever know. I wake up in the middle of the night and expect you to be beside me, becuase that is the way it is supposed to be. Me beside you. You the most beutiful thing that I have ever seen Nicholas. Your being is just so, artistic and beautiful. Every day i understand more and more how much i love you. I will be sorry for ever. I love you so much. My heart has your name on it. I love you. I always will.
P.S. I am very tired. So if this makes no sense, im sorry. It knows its all jumpy and choppy. It was clear in my mind, but didnt really translate through my fingers. Sorry.
Nick,
I love you sweethreat. I cant even decide if i want to post this beucase bringing it up hurts you. I hate hurting you. I Love you. When we were talking about that other night you said when its on my mind and bothered by it , I could take about it with you becase we need to work on letting ourselves get passed this. Well, it has been bothering me. I hate myself and i have this new huge fear that your friend Matt will hate me to.I am working on forgiving myself. Praying about it. I love you more than you will ever know. I wake up in the middle of the night and expect you to be beside me, becuase that is the way it is supposed to be. Me beside you. You the most beutiful thing that I have ever seen Nicholas. Your being is just so, artistic and beautiful. Every day i understand more and more how much i love you. I will be sorry for ever. I love you so much. My heart has your name on it. I love you. I always will.