Today is either gonna be one of those days where writing in here is gonna be really good for me or really bad. Being a let down to your parents is so hard. They want me to live the life that they wanted to live. I know that natural. But its hard for me to dissapoint them. Broken heart. Everything is just so confusing. I just want to sleep forever. I that feeling when your soul is unsettled. For me, its the worst thing in the world. I am not equiped to handle all of this right now. Nick forgot to get my knife. So it sits there. Like a dark cloud. And it calls me and I shut it up. I dont wnt to do , for Nick. I dont want to do it for me. I know it will make everything worse. Worse. But still, just to have that feeling when you press the blade on your skin and it breaks through. Feels like popping a balloon. Its such an ugly thing, but it feels so beautiful for about two seconds. But nick feels beautiful all the time. So, resist the urge. I love you. I love us. Its so strange how my life can be so beautiful and so messed up all at the same time. I love you nick