Dec 10, 2003
I will reward you in the end if you can make it.
Life. I cant even sort it out enough to really make a statement about it. I know nick loves me so so much. I really do. I just want to scoop him up and protect him. I cant potect from everything and I certainly cant protect him from his past. But i can love him and love him and love him and always stand by him, no matter what he is feeling. even if it scares me. I just want to be good for him. like medicine. i love him. Things wont be like this forever.
I remember making my dad cry was the worst thing ever. Him crying becuase of the things i was putting myself through and doing to my body. I couldnt really understand it though, like why did it hurt him. I knew i was in control and so i never really worried, well, i did worry, but i guess it never seemed like that big of a deal to me. Now i know how my dad felt. Crazy with worry. I am always crazy with worry. i also felt like this one time before. The day before i left to go to mighigan for a weak i heard my mom crying and sayin she wanted to kill herself. and i knew she wasnt just saying. i saw it in her face everyday. she really did want to die. that was the longest week of my life. and i felt so guily becuase i was so scared that i would be miserable forever the way my mom was.
i understood my world so perfectly then. but i didnt understand anything in anyone elses. living in a fog was just to frustrating. medication was so frustrating. it made me so unhealthy and fragile. i belonged in glass case. but at the same time i loved to be in front of people. singing , dancing. whatever it was. that confused me. being a cheerleader and a cutter was so hard. Hiding my cuts in the lockeroom. being man handelded by other cheerleader grabbing my cuts. how sick, right? cheerleader who cuts. doesnt it make you want to vomit? me too? i rememeber i couldnt wait to be a person and be alive like everyone else. i mean look at who i had to compare myself. perfect GPA's while having perfect curls and red lips. and i didnt eat for days at a time and hid cuts under my cheerleading uniform as i fucking smiled my little happy ass off to a bunch of half wits. So then i would have to cut myself for smiling at them. i am just a big cliche, but you are what you are and that is what i was. wasnt faking either side of my personality, i just had to types of normalcy in my blood. The anti normal which really isnt abnormal. and the really to damn normal which really is less normal than anti normal. makes no sense to you? thats ok.
I remember when iwas litlle i would as god to put me in a glass case so nothing could hurt me or breathe on my at night. i have started doing that again. i really am such a little girl these days. its the stress of savannah.
If you have read this far. i award you with somthing. please leave me a message. just to make me smile before i go to bed thank you.
P.S. I love you nick. i hope you are studying right now.
Posted at 10:22 pm by shells3
Dec 9, 2003
There are so many things i could use this blog for, but do i ? No.
Exams are almost over. Thank the lord. I hate test. I have test phobia. This is strange maybe, but sometimes im scared to study for them. Its hard to explain, but of course it makes sense in my room.
I dont have time to cry, but i would like to. I know that you dont have time for it either. But if i did, could I?
I know i could becuase you called me and told me you always had time for me.
When i get home i am gonna try and be happy and not dread the day that i have to come back, but at the same time i am gonna try and prepare myself for it, again. all over again.
I love you so much ,becuase i dont have to be so strong anymore. I never was strong. I just dont have to pretend. I dont have to pretend at all. All of a sudden i have become a big little girl and im trapped here, living in the white box, all by myself, and i just feel like a little girl, but you let me be a little girl. and you love me.
When im here i do feel like a forth grader crying in the bathroom stall, trying to catch my breath. That was my life everyday. Here i am again.
Posted at 10:02 am by shells3
Dec 2, 2003
DO i believe in love at first sight?
I think i do. I know it sounds silly. But i think sometimes, people jsut know. You may not what it is you are feeling at first site, but you know you feel somthing.I love you
Posted at 10:57 am by shells3
Nov 26, 2003
Nick Sweetheart, think of JAPAN! I forgot about that. I hope that when we are old and gray and I am still telling you to think of Japan. I love you!
With all my love,
Shelly
Posted at 12:01 am by shells3
Nov 25, 2003
Dear Matt,
I want you to like me. I really do. I guess this all stems from a dream I had a couple of nights ago. I dreamed that you called me and told me that you hated me and that i would never be good enough for Nick. Believe me, I know i will never be good enough for beautiful Nick, but i would like to try. I do try. I love him with all of my heart. My heart isnt perfect. Its a big , sloppy, bandaged, neurotic mess. But my heart has alot of love in it, and it all goes to Nick. I know that you know about the mistakes I have made that really hurt Nick. Please do not base your opinion of me on those mistakes. I cant begin to even try and justify my mistakes. I dont want to try. I am not that person anymore. I hate that person. That girl was so lost. And i guess i was scared of being found becuase i didnt know what that felt like. I will never forgive myself for that. Never ever. I dont expect Nick to either. I understand that. I wish i could carve my mistakes out of my heart but i cant. Please do not judge me based on my stupidness. I want anyone who Nick cares about to like me, and I know Nick cares about you and you care about him. Please just see all the love that I have for him. I care for him with every bit of my heart and soul and body and mind. I owe my life to him , even if he doesnt really know it.I will never ever hurt him again. I make sure he knows that. He knows I love him madly, and I guess I just wanted you to. I am who i am, and i cant change it. Please dont have a dislike for me. I really am nice and i think i have a good heart. Just please dont judge me based on my past, beucase i love Nick madly. I guess that is what all this rambling comes down to. Maybe you have no opinion of me at all, but once my mind fixates on somthing it cant let go. So i have built this up, and im my mind you have a strong hatred for me. I am strangely obbsessed with this non existent conflict. The mind is very powerful.
Shelly Snell
P.S. I am very tired. So if this makes no sense, im sorry. It knows its all jumpy and choppy. It was clear in my mind, but didnt really translate through my fingers. Sorry.
Nick,
I love you sweethreat. I cant even decide if i want to post this beucase bringing it up hurts you. I hate hurting you. I Love you. When we were talking about that other night you said when its on my mind and bothered by it , I could take about it with you becase we need to work on letting ourselves get passed this. Well, it has been bothering me. I hate myself and i have this new huge fear that your friend Matt will hate me to.I am working on forgiving myself. Praying about it. I love you more than you will ever know. I wake up in the middle of the night and expect you to be beside me, becuase that is the way it is supposed to be. Me beside you. You the most beutiful thing that I have ever seen Nicholas. Your being is just so, artistic and beautiful. Every day i understand more and more how much i love you. I will be sorry for ever. I love you so much. My heart has your name on it. I love you. I always will.
Posted at 12:34 am by shells3
Nov 23, 2003
I wish that i could be somthing so beautiful for you
My boyfriend is playing the guitar and singing for me right now. I love that boy so much. Today...I have been a bit under the weather. I slight fever and stuff. Being sick makes me mad, but anyway. Hmm...what did i do today. Got up around 11 , ate lunch, got in the bath tub. feel alseep in the bath tub. waited for nick to call me. then he did. and i think after he did, i may have half way passed out. not sure- but it doesnt really matter right now. then went and sat with him for a while and he babied me some becuase i wasnt feeling to hot. Then i listened to his band practice for a while. That was about it. I usually dont give a report of my day on here. Sorry for the choppiness of my typing and thinking tonight.
I am scared of life right now. Im scared they are gonna take him away from me. It will e so terrible. Im scared with out him here i will start cutting again and stop eating and just the old , sad Shelly will be back again. Im scared that I wont be able to let him know everything is ok and kiss his forhead and hold him when things are hard. Im scared things will to hard and i will lose him for good. I dont mean that as in im scared we will break up. That doesnt scared me beucasei know that wont happen. im scared he will do somthing irreversible and terriible to himself. Not that i think im so great and the onle thing that can make him happy. Its just that i do try very har to keep him happy. His happiness means so much to me. Dont leave me nick. Please. The thought of it makes me sick. I cant be that far apart fro you. I love you to much. I love you.
Posted at 09:56 pm by shells3
Im scared. I dont want him to move away from me. I really dont. I feel like my life is about to crash around me. I wont even let my mind think about how scared my heart is. Its hard enough for me to have to be two hours away from me and only see him thurday through sunday. But what i would when it was a couple of months. I need to feel him in my arms more than that . I need to . Not just want to. We do need each other. We belong together . I dont know if my fragile heart can handle it. we belong together. I love him so much. with all of my heart. I care about him more than anything. I reallly do. He teaches me so much. I love you nick.
Posted at 12:17 am by shells3
Im shy , but only around people i know dont really love me. If i know someone really loves more or even cares about me me at all i guess, im not shy. I wish i wasnt shy, and could be witty and quick around people i barely knew, and win them over. But i cant. I cant fake it . People see through fakness. I dont want to fake being cool. Ill just settle for being quiet. If they take the time to get to know me, then they will know im not that quiet. and if not, it never mattered anyway
Posted at 12:06 am by shells3
Nov 17, 2003
Everything is so strange right now
Today is either gonna be one of those days where writing in here is gonna be really good for me or really bad. Being a let down to your parents is so hard. They want me to live the life that they wanted to live. I know that natural. But its hard for me to dissapoint them. Broken heart. Everything is just so confusing. I just want to sleep forever. I that feeling when your soul is unsettled. For me, its the worst thing in the world. I am not equiped to handle all of this right now. Nick forgot to get my knife. So it sits there. Like a dark cloud. And it calls me and I shut it up. I dont wnt to do , for Nick. I dont want to do it for me. I know it will make everything worse. Worse. But still, just to have that feeling when you press the blade on your skin and it breaks through. Feels like popping a balloon. Its such an ugly thing, but it feels so beautiful for about two seconds. But nick feels beautiful all the time. So, resist the urge. I love you. I love us. Its so strange how my life can be so beautiful and so messed up all at the same time. I love you nick
Posted at 01:05 pm by shells3
Nov 11, 2003
No More Interior Design. Dumb Idea.But then again..why should it matter.
Posted at 08:13 pm by shells3
