Dec 2, 2003
DO i believe in love at first sight?
I think i do. I know it sounds silly. But i think sometimes, people jsut know. You may not what it is you are feeling at first site, but you know you feel somthing.I love you
Posted at 10:57 am by shells3
Nov 26, 2003
Nick Sweetheart, think of JAPAN! I forgot about that. I hope that when we are old and gray and I am still telling you to think of Japan. I love you!
With all my love,
Shelly
Posted at 12:01 am by shells3
Nov 25, 2003
Dear Matt,
I want you to like me. I really do. I guess this all stems from a dream I had a couple of nights ago. I dreamed that you called me and told me that you hated me and that i would never be good enough for Nick. Believe me, I know i will never be good enough for beautiful Nick, but i would like to try. I do try. I love him with all of my heart. My heart isnt perfect. Its a big , sloppy, bandaged, neurotic mess. But my heart has alot of love in it, and it all goes to Nick. I know that you know about the mistakes I have made that really hurt Nick. Please do not base your opinion of me on those mistakes. I cant begin to even try and justify my mistakes. I dont want to try. I am not that person anymore. I hate that person. That girl was so lost. And i guess i was scared of being found becuase i didnt know what that felt like. I will never forgive myself for that. Never ever. I dont expect Nick to either. I understand that. I wish i could carve my mistakes out of my heart but i cant. Please do not judge me based on my stupidness. I want anyone who Nick cares about to like me, and I know Nick cares about you and you care about him. Please just see all the love that I have for him. I care for him with every bit of my heart and soul and body and mind. I owe my life to him , even if he doesnt really know it.I will never ever hurt him again. I make sure he knows that. He knows I love him madly, and I guess I just wanted you to. I am who i am, and i cant change it. Please dont have a dislike for me. I really am nice and i think i have a good heart. Just please dont judge me based on my past, beucase i love Nick madly. I guess that is what all this rambling comes down to. Maybe you have no opinion of me at all, but once my mind fixates on somthing it cant let go. So i have built this up, and im my mind you have a strong hatred for me. I am strangely obbsessed with this non existent conflict. The mind is very powerful.
Shelly Snell
P.S. I am very tired. So if this makes no sense, im sorry. It knows its all jumpy and choppy. It was clear in my mind, but didnt really translate through my fingers. Sorry.
Nick,
I love you sweethreat. I cant even decide if i want to post this beucase bringing it up hurts you. I hate hurting you. I Love you. When we were talking about that other night you said when its on my mind and bothered by it , I could take about it with you becase we need to work on letting ourselves get passed this. Well, it has been bothering me. I hate myself and i have this new huge fear that your friend Matt will hate me to.I am working on forgiving myself. Praying about it. I love you more than you will ever know. I wake up in the middle of the night and expect you to be beside me, becuase that is the way it is supposed to be. Me beside you. You the most beutiful thing that I have ever seen Nicholas. Your being is just so, artistic and beautiful. Every day i understand more and more how much i love you. I will be sorry for ever. I love you so much. My heart has your name on it. I love you. I always will.
Posted at 12:34 am by shells3
Nov 23, 2003
I wish that i could be somthing so beautiful for you
My boyfriend is playing the guitar and singing for me right now. I love that boy so much. Today...I have been a bit under the weather. I slight fever and stuff. Being sick makes me mad, but anyway. Hmm...what did i do today. Got up around 11 , ate lunch, got in the bath tub. feel alseep in the bath tub. waited for nick to call me. then he did. and i think after he did, i may have half way passed out. not sure- but it doesnt really matter right now. then went and sat with him for a while and he babied me some becuase i wasnt feeling to hot. Then i listened to his band practice for a while. That was about it. I usually dont give a report of my day on here. Sorry for the choppiness of my typing and thinking tonight.
I am scared of life right now. Im scared they are gonna take him away from me. It will e so terrible. Im scared with out him here i will start cutting again and stop eating and just the old , sad Shelly will be back again. Im scared that I wont be able to let him know everything is ok and kiss his forhead and hold him when things are hard. Im scared things will to hard and i will lose him for good. I dont mean that as in im scared we will break up. That doesnt scared me beucasei know that wont happen. im scared he will do somthing irreversible and terriible to himself. Not that i think im so great and the onle thing that can make him happy. Its just that i do try very har to keep him happy. His happiness means so much to me. Dont leave me nick. Please. The thought of it makes me sick. I cant be that far apart fro you. I love you to much. I love you.
Posted at 09:56 pm by shells3
Im scared. I dont want him to move away from me. I really dont. I feel like my life is about to crash around me. I wont even let my mind think about how scared my heart is. Its hard enough for me to have to be two hours away from me and only see him thurday through sunday. But what i would when it was a couple of months. I need to feel him in my arms more than that . I need to . Not just want to. We do need each other. We belong together . I dont know if my fragile heart can handle it. we belong together. I love him so much. with all of my heart. I care about him more than anything. I reallly do. He teaches me so much. I love you nick.
Posted at 12:17 am by shells3
Im shy , but only around people i know dont really love me. If i know someone really loves more or even cares about me me at all i guess, im not shy. I wish i wasnt shy, and could be witty and quick around people i barely knew, and win them over. But i cant. I cant fake it . People see through fakness. I dont want to fake being cool. Ill just settle for being quiet. If they take the time to get to know me, then they will know im not that quiet. and if not, it never mattered anyway
Posted at 12:06 am by shells3
Nov 17, 2003
Everything is so strange right now
Today is either gonna be one of those days where writing in here is gonna be really good for me or really bad. Being a let down to your parents is so hard. They want me to live the life that they wanted to live. I know that natural. But its hard for me to dissapoint them. Broken heart. Everything is just so confusing. I just want to sleep forever. I that feeling when your soul is unsettled. For me, its the worst thing in the world. I am not equiped to handle all of this right now. Nick forgot to get my knife. So it sits there. Like a dark cloud. And it calls me and I shut it up. I dont wnt to do , for Nick. I dont want to do it for me. I know it will make everything worse. Worse. But still, just to have that feeling when you press the blade on your skin and it breaks through. Feels like popping a balloon. Its such an ugly thing, but it feels so beautiful for about two seconds. But nick feels beautiful all the time. So, resist the urge. I love you. I love us. Its so strange how my life can be so beautiful and so messed up all at the same time. I love you nick
Posted at 01:05 pm by shells3
Nov 11, 2003
No More Interior Design. Dumb Idea.But then again..why should it matter.
Posted at 08:13 pm by shells3
Psychology or Interior Desgisn
I need to be working on my psych. test right now. But i just do not want to. I am finally in a good mood. and dont feel like having it shot to hell.
After all those years of having a dress code, its so nice to throw on sweat pants and flip flops and go to class.
After i went to class this morning at 8:30, i came back here and slept for a while and then went and failed a math test. oh yes...college is the pits.
I cant wait to have a home one day. A place for Nick and I to live
A list of things that wont be in my home
1. Anything that says "Home Sweet Home"
2.Anything bought at an Arts and Crafts festival in rural Georgia
3. Pastels
4.Balloon Curtains
5.Ruffly stuff
.........I really just do not like country crap as decorations
I want to buy random peices that were bought Artsy stores. I cant wait.
I am thinking about being an interior designer again. Hmm....somthing to think about. What do you think Nick? Psychologist or Interior Designer?
What do yall think?
Posted at 05:06 pm by shells3
Im on the phone with nick and he cheered me up some , thank God. I love youI love you. I love you. Its a small world aftet all.
Posted at 04:33 pm by shells3
